Running Away

I’ve spent most of my life running from who I am: a gay man. And what has it gotten me? Heartache, disease, hangovers, and—ultimately, I believe—cancer. I drank, cursed God, and even read Playboy for the articles. In short, nothing good.  

I'm reminded of this recently because of two things.  One, the movie “Love, Simon”. There are two scenes that move me every time I watch them. One, with his mother…”You can exhale now, Simon.” And the other with his father…”I thought maybe we could join Grindr together.” “You don’t know what Grindr is, do you?” 

The other is watching Pete Buttigieg running for president--with his husband in tow. They express their affection and love openly and with no sense of shame whatsoever, believing that this is how God made them. It does my heart good to see such a smart, talented gay man not afraid to show who and what he is. 

Am I more at peace with all that now? I think so, but yet in some ways I continue to hide portions of myself. Don’t refer to myself in straight company as gay. Don’t comment on cute guys even with other gays.

Hiding yourself is a hard habit to break, and a destructive one. It eats away at your soul a little at a time, destroying everything in its wake. It says, “Yeah, I’m still not worthy.” This is the way God made me. It’s a gift from God that’s intended to help me through this life, I think. I’m not sure how that is or even what it means really. But it’s definitely something I need to continue to explore.